POWER of the SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

Archive for April 18th, 2009

Just over a week ago I had to deal with some very negative things that brought back a lot of bad memories and feelings related to being separated from my infant child.  Around the same time I observed a small child about the same age struggling to take his first steps and thought that my child too would be learning to walk by now and I was missing it.  The realization was like a knife stabbed into my heart. 

I also realized that these feeling were not helpful to anyone least of all me.  I resolved that it was time to fully let go.   Not of my love for my child or my expectation (note I do not use the word hope) to be reunited with him one day.  Just of anything that connected me with the negativity of the past year.  This included a decision to turn off the other blog. 

Well this past week has been a major mile stone for me.  A week ago when I resolved to fully let go I really did not appreciate what that entailed.  The last week has been amazing.  I have been overwhelmed by feelings of well being and happiness.  In fact more than that.  LOVE.

It occurred to me that the feelings I have had this past week are probably similar to what a born Christian feels when they believe they are filled with the spirit of Jesus. 

I have deliberately created my own state of euphoria.  I decided to be happy and have made my own happiness.  So is it real some might ask.  Am I in some delusional state of denial of reality? 

What is real?  Is the born again filled with the spirit of Jesus experiencing a more real happiness – from the point of view of a born again they are.  How about a drug addict getting a fix…is their state of euphoria more real or less than mine?   How do you validate happiness?

Years ago I read a short book by John Kehoe called the Practice of Happiness.  It was an inspirational book filled mainly with anecdotal stories but in his book he revealed the secret of happiness.  The secret is so simple that many would dismiss it and even ridicule it.   The secret is to just decide to be happy. 

We really are talking about the power of thoughts to control and direct your state of mind.  I have been working on my happiness for a few months now and avoiding focussing on the negativity.   I did not expect it to be so powerful.   

Another surprise is that there is no room for any feelings of anger and hatred.  They are gone.  There is nothing there anymore.

No one has ever hurt me so deeply and been as vindictive and nasty as my ex-girl friend and mother of my infant son.  At first I thought she was just under the control of the drug addict psychopath who also got her addicted to crystal-meth.  I then came to realize that she was a very active accomplice in many the dastardly deeds perpetrated by the psychopath.  My hurt turned to anger and eventually I even tried to hate her. 

Now if I look at her picture I feel only pity and feelings of love for her.  Not love as before but a compassionate love.  I am also aware that I hurt her deeply and made mistakes and while I don’t believe that my actions can justify what she did to me I accept my responsibility in allowing this psychopath into our lives.  I realize my ex-girl friend is a victim despite her active complicity in games of the psychopath.  So I will help her as well as my child once the Psychopath has abandoned them as I know he will.

If I look at a picture of the Psychopath who deliberately caused me so much pain and suffering the feelings of extreme animosity are also gone.  My feeling is more of indifference and detachment.  I realize how pathetic and sad this person is.   He is only in his mid 30s and already a chronic alcoholic and drug user.  I have also learnt about his estrangement from his family who have not seen or heard from him for more than four years.  My only reservation is that he will continue to hurt everybody that he comes into contact with. 

As for my day to day living, they are seldom in my thoughts.  I do think of my infant son but focus on feelings of love for him and knowing that he is ok.  I miss him.  I know that in the future circumstances will change enabling me to again be part of his life.

The quote “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” by Nietzsche comes to mind after reflecting upon the events of the previous year.  I am definitely stronger as a result of my experiences. 

No one will ever be able to hurt me again nor will I simply react to circumstances allowing them to determine my emotional states.  I am in control as never before.  I am becoming the active creator of my own life and can direct my emotional states.  I now take full responsibility for my life and that also means I have full power.

So in some ways my encounter with the Psychopath was one of serendipity.